A Story of Recovery

While I was drinking, I was a Girl Scout executive. My husband was a special agent for federal law enforcement agencies. We looked like a wonderful family, so wonderful we were approved to adopt a 7 year old boy. We adopted Jimmy when I was already in late stages of alcoholism, and my husband not far behind. When I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, Stefin, there was concern that I might miscarry. At that time (1970) women who were having this problem were prescribed alcohol to relax the uterus. My physician suggested I have a cocktail each evening to relax. As you can imagine, the amount of alcohol I consumed each evening amounted to more than one cocktail. I did the same thing when I was pregnant with my daughter Sidney, born in 1975. Stefin weighed 3 lbs. 14 ounces at birth, almost full term. They could never figure out why she was so small. Sidney was very premature, and weighed 2 lbs. 8 oz. at birth.

While I was in treatment for alcoholism, my husband served me with divorce papers and began the process to get custody of our children. I was devastated. Not only did I need to work through the guilt and shame of being an alcoholic, I was labeled a “bad mother”. After six months, he decided he didn’t want custody of our youngest, (then 2 years old), because she was to “active”, so he and his new wife returned her to me. He took the older two children to Guam to his next duty station and I did not see them for 2 years. My older daughter joined me when she was 13 years old, my son when he was finished with high school. I am so grateful for these three wonderful children, now ages 35, 34 and 29.

I learned about FAS in 1982 when I was taking classes to become a drug and alcoholism counselor. I thought, “Not my kids, they look normal”. But, a heavy weight deposited itself in my stomach and whenever the girls had troubles at school or elsewhere, the weight got heavier. When Sidney was 14 years old, her teacher suggested she be tested for learning disabilities. Because the schools would not test her, (she was not two years behind), I called the research program at the University of Washington. I thought because I was drinking while I was pregnant, she might qualify to be part of their research studies and get tested. Part of the procedure included being examined by a doctor. I cannot describe how I felt when he told me she had FAS. The labels guilt, shame, and “bad mom” decked me. I promptly went into denial and didn’t believe she really had FAS. I slowly began to learn how to parent her as if she did. After I had healed enough to face the diagnosis of FAS without falling apart, I let go of the denial and became an advocate for moms and children impacted by FASD, telling my story whenever.

Sidney is now 29 years old, and although there were some difficult times, especially during adolescence, she is now happily married to a wonderful young man who is in the U.S. Navy. She is also in recovery for addiction. We didn’t understand that Stefin had FASD until she was in her early 20’s. She was misdiagnosed as bipolar during high school, along with other labels, none of which reflected her organic brain injury. When we discovered the real damage, I was then able to begin parenting her appropriately.  It is never too late to make changes. She is now a single mom, raising a 10 year old son on her own. She is struggling financially, but making it.

By being willing to stand up and say, “I am an alcoholic, and I drank while I was pregnant…” telling my daughters’ and my story to whoever would listen, I continue healing my grief, shame and guilt. My daughters tell their stories too, and they tell me it helps them be good advocates for themselves. We all want to reach as many women as possible to help them make the decision not to drink while pregnant. And, if they have an addiction and could not stop drinking during a pregnancy we want to help them deal with the stigmas and pain and to go on to be the best person and mom they can be.

Please see our archived newsletters for more stories of hope and recovery.