My birth mom started drinking when she was just 13 years old. She met guys in bars and brought them home with her. She was in jail all the time and I would have to go to a neighbor’s house until she got out. It was usually just a night or two. We were shut out almost completely from the rest of the family. When she wasn’t in jail she was at home drinking or sleeping. She neglected me severely and I was lucky if I got powdered milk to drink with some crackers. Since I had FAS and was at the time undiagnosed, I had some behavioral issues as well and would often get food taken away as punishment.
While this story seems somewhat bitter and depressing, there is a point. My mother and I are still fairly close. Even though I was adopted into another family when I was seven, I still feel that she is my mother. I have had times when I’ve been really angry with her for what she has done to me, both physically and mentally, and I’ve had times when I have been proud of her. People oftentimes ask me why I even talk to her anymore and they say that if their mothers ever did that they would never talk to them again. I look at the positive things about her. She’s funny, caring, and most of all, she still treats me like a daughter.
Growing up, she attended all of my extracurricular activities ranging from band practices to track meets. She showed up at all of my plays that I was in and she went to my graduation. Best of all, she is 100% sober and that was the hardest thing for her. She tells me how sorry she is for everything she has done and how much she loves me. That means more to me that anything else she did in her past. I know she regrets the things she has done in her past but I have forgiven her and I believe it has made our relationship stronger. If I hadn’t the heart to forgive her, I would have missed out on a lot of good times.
I hear a lot of negative things about mothers that drank during pregnancy. There is a misconception out there that if a mother drinks while she is pregnant, she is a bad person, especially if she does it repeatedly. My mother drank repeatedly during all three of her pregnancies. Her first child was born with Hydrocephalus and died as a baby. I was the second, born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and my sister, who is 18, was born with Fetal Alcohol Effects. Even though she didn’t seem to “learn” from this, she isn’t a bad person. She needed help and didn’t have the right support. I believe that she is undiagnosed of FAE. This in my opinion is what started her on the path of addiction.