I grew up on a diary farm in the Midwest, the 8th of 10 children, with a large Catholic extended family. I graduated 2nd in my HS class in 1973, and attended a private Catholic college. I partied some in HS, mostly beer-drinking, the beverage of choice at that time in the Midwest. I partied less in college, as I was a serious student, graduating cum laude.
My first job out of college was working at a group home with delinquent teenaged boys. I worked there for 3.5 years, met my husband in that town, and got married at age 25, in 1980.
I started working on my Master's Degree in Counseling Psychology, finishing my program in 1982.
From 1982-1984, my husband and I worked at a residential facility for 42 abandoned, abused and neglected children, ages 3-12. The children had many behavioral challenges, including sexual acting out, as most had suffered sexual abuse. At that time, I became aware of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and although many of the children had been pre-natally exposed to alcohol, none had the formal diagnosis. I was stretched and challenged in this setting, but thoroughly enjoyed this "parenting" experience.
From 1985 - 2000, I specialized in providing treatment foster care, while my spouse worked as an educator and co-foster parent. We "fostered" 25 children over the course of 15 years. Why did these children enter into the "system"? We had two teen moms and their newborn babies. Many of the children had parents with chemical dependency and/or mental health issues. Others were adolescents with behavioral and mental health challenges. Some of the children had suffered neglect, abuse, and/or abandonment. I now wonder how many of those parents were pre-natally exposed to alcohol/drugs themselves. Three of the 25 children had the FAS diagnosis, but now that I have a greater understanding of FASD, I realize that the majority of the 25 children probably suffered from some level of undiagnosed FASD. I was a very effective foster mom, who took my role seriously.
While I really enjoyed being a foster mother, I longed to have children of my own. I became an adoptive parent at the age of 31. We then attempted to deal with infertility unsuccessfully via the medical route. I became pregnant, but miscarried at ten weeks, so we pursued a second adoption. When our second child was 2.5 months old, I became pregnant unexpectedly.
Because I wasn't planning to get pregnant, I continued my pattern of social drinking..... 4-6 servings of beer or wine per week.
After I realized I was pregnant, I spoke with my Doctor, asking him directly about FAS, and if it was safe to use alcohol during pregnancy. He assured me that moderate use of alcohol was not problematic..... that it took large amounts of alcohol to cause FAS. I reduced my consumption somewhat, but didn't eliminate my alcohol use. If only I had known then what I know now!! Unplanned pregnancies and social drinking result in prenatal exposure to alcohol at a rate much higher than most people care to consider. And many health care providers still don't give women a strong, clear message about avoiding alcohol use during both the preconception and prenatal periods.
My son's story: unintentional consequences.........
In 1989, my only "biological" child was born. He was on target developmentally from birth - 2. "Temperament" problems became apparent from ages 2.5 - 5. My son was very stubborn, strong-willed, and "inflexible". He was "home-schooled" until age 10, along with his three adopted siblings. During the elementary years, he was unwilling to participate in ice skating lessons, T-ball, Vacation Bible School, and swimming lessons, even though his brother and "home-schooling" friends were avidly involved in these activities. He frequently hid himself to avoid activities that we were encouraging him to participate in. In retrospect, he must have been struggling with high anxiety.
My son displayed oppositional behaviors that were non-compliant vs. defiant. "Refusals" were a challenge multiple times daily. Although my son was very "bright" (superior IQ) he had significant reading struggles, and was very much an underachiever as a home-schooler, compared to my other children who learned how to read at a typical pace. This son of mine saw the world through different eyes, with a perspective that didn't match others' perceptions.
My son began attending public school in 4th grade. His teacher became very frustrated with him at times. At the end of the year she cried while having a final meeting with me and my son, as she felt she had been ineffective. Some felt his issues were the result of being home-schooled...... the old "blame the parent" routine. He was sent to the behavior room many times during 4-6th grades, and was "expelled" from the school during sixth grade for using a pencil as a "weapon." He threw a pencil across the "time-out" room, and it accidentally hit the teacher on her forehead as she turned around to look at him while leaving the room. The resulting school change was traumatic for him, and he was expelled three weeks later from the next school.
During 7th grade, my son began "using". I was not aware of his use until the end of 8th grade. During this time, he was very engaged in the "graffiti" culture, and often didn't come home from school. He became very loyal to his "using" peer group, and continued to disregard parental authority. By fall of 9th grade, he had "dropped out" of school. While partying on Halloween, he jumped through a fire to liven up the party. His pants caught on fire, and he ended up with 2nd degree burns on the calf of his leg. Several weeks later, he was assaulted while very intoxicated. He ended up at the emergency room, then detox, then his first round of inpatient CD treatment. He began attending a "sober" high school after treatment. He relapsed several times, repeating treatment three more times during the course of high school.
During a period of sobriety, he got involved in a fight at a party, resulting in a peer having a broken jaw. Felony assault charges were filed against him three months later, and a warrant was issued for his arrest. He "ran away," as a peer told him he was going to be charged with attempted murder. The "run" resulted in a 6 week long binge, followed by treatment, and a residential placement for ongoing truancy issues. The following summer (age 17), he was placed at a correctional facility for 120 days for the "assault" (brawl at a party, although he was the only one charged) that had occurred the previous summer. While at the correctional facility, he breezed through the GED process, scoring very high on all of the subtests. We were all relieved that his period of mandatory education was over, as school had always been a challenge and poor fit for him.
He was placed at a group home after leaving the correctional facility. While there, he got a job a local fast food restaurant, which also happened to be the local drug trafficking vicinity. His boss bought him alcohol for his 18th birthday, and he was kicked out of the group home for possession of prescription drugs that didn't belong to him. The county sent him back to treatment for violating probation by bringing drugs into the group home. This was a 4-month hard core adult treatment. He "absented" from treatment with only 14 days to go, as he was determined to attend a friends wedding. This resulted in a new warrant, and after 3 weeks, he was arrested. He fled arrest on foot, hid, and a police dog eventually sniffed him out, resulting in a deep dog bite to his shoulder and upper arm. After 2 weeks in Juvenile Detention, he was released from juvenile jurisdiction and allowed to begin tech school in a community 60 miles from home. He attended class for 3 weeks, then quit going. As parents, we felt he should be given the same opportunity to pursue higher education as his two older siblings, but we weren't surprised when it fell apart.
I was so relieved when he made it to age 18. For years, my prayer for him had been "keep him alive 'til 25", as he was always engaged in very high-risk behaviors. Life continues to be a challenge for him, although he has recently gotten back on a sober path. He has been holding a part-time job for 8 months, hired by one of his close friends.
The challenge of getting the diagnois........
When my son was going through intake for CD treatment, I informed the interviewer that he had been prenatally exposed to alcohol. This information was disregarded. Because my son is very bright and articulate, people (CD and mental health service providers) disregarded my concerns when I indicated that prenatal exposure may be the cause of many of his mental health and behavioral challenges. This happened at 3 or 4 different intake sessions for different services. It was as though the practitioners didn't know how to respond to a birth mother who was readily admitting to having used alcohol during pregnancy. This disregard was very frustrating for me. Instead of referring us for and FASD evaluation, we were referred for an ASD evaluation (Autism Spectrum Disorder)..... the results indicated he didn't fall on that spectrum.
Eventually, our "in-home" therapist heard my concerns, and acknowledged that many of his challenges were "red flags"- common characteristics of those with one of the Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD). The therapist recommended to the judge that he be "ordered" to have an FASD evaluation. That evaluation confirmed my suspicion that the prenatal alcohol exposure had caused permanent damage to my son. He was diagnosed with Alcohol Related Neuro-developmental Disorder (ARND). He is on the higher functioning end of the spectrum.
The summary.......
My ignorant decisions, based on inaccurate information from my Dr., have resulted in unintended lifelong consequences for my family and especially my son. We saw multiple mental health providers over the years who never inquired about possible prenatal exposure. Everyone else "missed" the signs, but inside my heart and mind, I held myself accountable. My son knows it was not my intention to hurt him. He doesn't hold this against me. His behavioral challenges have "stretched me" in countless ways, making me a stronger person. He keeps me on my knees. But overall, the joy he has brought me outweighs the misery......at least for today............
August 2008
Sue T.
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