The COH/BMN Interview

The first COH/BMN interview features Circle member Angela M.

Kathy Mitchell: I understand that you are a grandmother raising your grandchildren.  Can you tell us a little bit about them?

Angela M.: The children each came to me when they were 5 weeks old, both under different circumstances. The oldest – Nick (now 6 1/2) has full-FAS. He was sent to live with me by child protective services because his father was using drugs and his mother (my daughter) was an alcoholic. His father had been given custody but could not stay clean. Nick was bounced back and forth between me and his father for the first 10 months of his life. His father often left him alone in a crib while he did drugs.  CPS finally removed him permanently and placed him with his father’s adopted sister (in the middle of the night); subsequently he was placed with me when the aunt became pregnant and did not want to keep him. Because of the insecure nature of his environment Nick also suffers from Attachment Disorder. He is an energetic, creative and loving little boy, small for his age. He has been a special education student since he was three. Every day is a struggle for him to control his impulses, but thankfully his is very intelligent and people enjoy being around him.

The second grandchild, Ari, came to me when she was also 5 weeks old. She is now 2 1/2.  Same mother, different father. Her father was abusing her and her mother called CPS to have her removed from the home to protect her. She does not test positive for FASD but may have “affects.” Time will tell how or if this will manifest into FASD issues/behaviors.

KM: I know you are writing a story for the Circle of Hope Birth Mothers network (COH-BMN) about your daughter (the mother of your two grandchildren), who is now deceased. Can you tell us a little bit about her, and her life?

AM: She was my oldest child and extremely intelligent and strikingly beautiful. Her father and I divorced when she was 10 and she wanted to stay with him. I suspect she may have been abused by him which sent her on a path of destruction. She began drinking at the age of 12. By the time she was 17 years old she was at constant odds with her father and came to live with me. It didn’t work out – too much structure. She later said that asking her to leave was the best thing I ever did for her – it forced her to become self-reliant. Unfortunately she used the AA program to find partners – having three children by three different fathers.

The first child she lost custody of to his father when he was 2 ½. She never really recovered from that loss. She was seeing Nick’s father at the time and he, in a drug induced rage, tried to kill her. She suffered much physical and emotional abuse at his hands and finally had the courage to leave him and testify against him in court. She also asked the court to give me custody of Nick so that he would be safe from his father’s influence.

In her many attempts to get sober, she always seemed to pick the wrong partners.  Her third, and Ari’s father, had a history of drug and alcohol addiction and also physically abused her – one time beating her and causing her to miscarry.

She died at the age of 38 under mysterious circumstances. All she ever wanted was to have her three children with her and to have a decent life. She made poor choices.

She was a beautiful, intelligent, caring woman who had much to offer this world and gave it the gift of three lovely children. Each of them is special in their own way. We miss her and love her and know that her time on earth, while tortured and sad (at times) all had a purpose.

KM: Are you angry that she drank alcohol during her pregnancies?

AM: I would probably have been angrier if I had known about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome while she was pregnant. I did not see her during her first two pregnancies, and I know I would have tried to educate her about it. Whether or not it would have convinced her to stop drinking will always be unknown. I truly believe that these children chose her as their mother and in so doing also chose any consequences (FAS) on their lives. I feel it is my responsibility to educate society about FAS and how we can help pregnant women and the children they bring into this world. It is not about judgment, it is about love.

KM: What are the challenges you face raising two small children, one with FAS? Does being the biological grandmother change things for you?

AM: The challenges are many – mostly financial and having the energy to deal with small children. School and society are much different than they were when my children were young. One of the most difficult aspects of raising Nick has been educating the public school system about FASD and not having them label him as a behavior problem. Thankfully with the help of NOFAS and SAMSHA’s FASD programs and speakers; I am making progress.

Being the bio-grandmother has pluses and minus. It is, at times, confusing for the children, especially Ari (who I have legally adopted). She is confused about calling me Mommy or Nonni (grandmother). Nick is older and he remembers his mother and only knows me as his grandmother.

The most heartbreaking part is that these two children do not get to see their older brother. His father subverts our efforts. They miss him and want him in their lives – as do I.

KM: What is the best thing about raising your grandchildren?

AM: The best thing is seeing the wonder in their eyes when they learn or experience something new. I want them to feel loved and safe – and give them a solid foundation which will include telling them about how their mother struggled with alcohol. Of course, I will also tell them how much she loved them.

KM: In closing, what do you want people to know and understand about your grandchildren, you, and FASD?

AM: I would like people to know that FASD is totally preventable and that no child needs to suffer from this horrible brain injury. I want them to know that FASD children have loving and forgiving hearts. We could all learn something from them.

While I may be an “older” parent, just like any parent, I am doing the best I can – that is all any of us can do. FASD will not defeat me/us; it will only make me/us stronger and more understanding.

My friends say that raising my grandchildren is keeping me young. I know my priorities are very different then they might have been, and that is just a fact. I can’t change it, and I won’t give into pity. I hold to the theory that “everything is perfect.”   I am blessed with good friends who provide me with moral and spiritual support. My grandchildren have many “grandmas”!