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Recently, another story of a failed adoption made headlines. Not too long ago, we read the story of a Kentucky mother who sent her 8 year old son back to Russia on a plane by himself. This mother was judged and criticized in the media with little input given from the mother. Now we hear of a family in Illinois who adopted a baby girl at birth and then when the child was 7 years of age they relinquished her to another family. Many, after reading the mother’s blog, blame her for the failure, suggesting that she was too self-absorbed to appropriately support her daughter’s needs.
The story told is that the family had a biological son and after several miscarriages, decided to adopt. They adopted a little girl domestically and experienced challenges from the beginning. The baby was hard to console, raged and became aggressive at an early age. Soon the family was surprised to find that the mother was pregnant, and during her eighth month, it is reported the adopted child pushed the mother down the stairs.
Challenges continued after the new baby was born. Life revolved around the adopted child: the other two children in the home had to be protected from this child, friends could not be invited to the home due to the unpredictability of this young girl’s behavior.
The parents sought help from many different sources (professionals who offered a variety of different diagnoses, medications, diets) and still the aggressive and dangerous behaviors continued. One professional, after a quick assessment, attributed all of these behaviors to a fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. The family came to the realization that they were not able to handle this child’s behaviors and sought placement for her outside their home.
Were there red flags that could have signaled trouble? Could these challenges have been prevented? What motivated the parents to consider adoption and who helped them to clarify their expectations? If they adopted a child as a playmate for their son, they may have placed the focus on their son’s needs rather than the needs of the adopted child. If the adopted child failed to fulfill her role as a playmate, were they able to see how their expectations perpetuated the challenges?
Tom Donaldson, NOFAS president, was quoted in an ABC news article stating that FASD is “a significant health issue with a prevalence similar to autism.” It has been confirmed that during pregnancy the birth mother used both alcohol and drugs including crack cocaine, PCP, heroine and methamphetamine. Some of this child’s behaviors and physical symptoms fit a diagnosis on the fetal alcohol spectrum. But, her issues and challenges seem to go beyond a fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. She may have attachment issues or a mental illness which will complicate the parenting and intervention landscape.
News stories that inaccurately portray the symptoms and challenges of a pre-natally exposed child do little to encourage prospective parents to consider adoption. And, while we recognize that it is difficult to predict at birth what challenges a pre-natally exposed child will experience later in life, it is known that co-occurring conditions such as attachment issues and mental illness will complicate the picture and call for different interventions. News stories should focus on the need for accurate and on-going diagnosis and intervention services and access to services for those who need them. Blaming and judging parents does nothing to help the family recover from and treat traumas that some adopted children experience before arriving at what should be their forever home.
Terri Moore (parent of 3 children; 2 of whom were adopted from Russia), Barb Parker (parent of 3 children adopted from Russia), Charisse Cossu-Kowalski (parent of 4 children; 2 of whom were adopted from Russia)
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