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To most it seems beyond comprehension that any mom would send her adopted son alone on a plane back to his country of birth with only simple note saying she was returning him because he wasn’t what she was expecting. We have officials in the child’s country of origin stating that the child has no mental or physical issues and we’ve heard no outcry challenging this assertion. We hear judgment against this parent but little information about what led her to making this life-changing choice.
In recent days many of us who have adopted from Russia have been sharing our stories…with each other and with those who are not familiar with international adoption and the challenges that sometimes comes with it. Those of us who’ve been there remember the challenges of the first days and weeks and months.
Many of us were told a version of, “Take them home and love them and in six months, they’ll be perfectly fine.” And then, when six months came and went and there were still challenges and twelve months came and went and the challenges continued, we wondered what we were doing wrong. Most of us had little support -- our adoption agencies disappeared after the last required report was written, our doctors had no answers and we had not found other parents who understood our situation.
None of us excuse this mother’s actions but we do understand the desperation. We sift through the bits of information released by the media and realize that the child may have been affected by prenatal exposure to alcohol and/or may be experiencing challenges with attachment. Either of these diagnoses alone can cause great challenges; both diagnoses together are almost a guarantee that serious challenges will exist within the family relationship. Without support (medical, therapeutic, educational), both parent and child suffer with sometimes very serious consequences.
As tragic as this situation is, it is also an opportunity to raise awareness, more consistently prepare parents for the challenges they may face after adoption and to develop a support network for newly adoptive families. One study of 71 children adopted from eastern Europe found that 52% of the children were diagnosed on the fetal alcohol spectrum.* It is estimated that the lifetime costs for raising a child who has FAS are $5 million.** These numbers are staggering and we must prepare adoptive parents for the challenges they may face once their child is home. This preparation begins during the home study/paperwork phase and must continue long after the adoption is finalized.
Although the child’s country of origin may not be forthcoming with complete information, educated and experienced facilitators may be able to see potential challenges and share that information. Families should be linked with a mentor family who has successfully weathered the storm that sometimes comes with adopting a child. Effort must be made to share with parents information about adoption-related conferences, local support groups and information about how and when to seek medical, therapeutic and educational assessments.
We can lay blame at the feet of the mother and continue on as if there’s nothing more to do; or, we can require birth countries to release full information on all children available for adoption and require that adoption agencies maintain contact with adoptive families to assist families if challenges arise.
Information, support and resources are available (see below). For the future of our children and families, we must look past blame and find ways to help families in need.
Signed,
Charisse Cossu-Kowalski, MSW
Parent of 4 children (2 adopted from Russia)
Michigan NOFAS Affiliate MCFARES co-chair
Barb Parker
Parent of 3 children adopted from Russia
Michigan NOFAS Affiliate MCFARES Treasurer
Carol E. Cole
Adoptive Parent
Infant Mental Health Consultant
Resources:
Internet:
NOFAS National and State Resource Directory
FAS Community Resource Center
Yahoo Groups (in search box type in terms such as “FASD”, “RAD”, “adoption”, “international adoption” - many groups will be listed)
YouTube Videos (a selection of FASD-related videos)
Evaluations:
Dr. Ronald S. Federici
Dr. Alla Gordina
There are many more resources available. Search the internet or find a support group and seek information about resources from them.
*Landgren, Magnus; Leif Svennson; Kerstin Stromland; and Marita Andersson. Prenatal Alcohol Exposure and Neurodevelopmental Disorders in Children Adopted From Eastern Europe. American Academy of Pediatrics, April, 2010.
**FAS Community Resource Center
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